Back to back

 This feeling that really suck. We have access for sure, but everytime I have a time to tell, my mouth stop talking, even my mind keep thinking all the memory that has been happening before. It's back to suffocate me. I couldnt breath again. My hand back to shake, even the feeling of heartquake back to me again. Its like my mind was on rollercoster, up and down, never stop again and again. A circle sign on my left finger not function anymore. You are blur from my heart, but the things is not that one. Now is more like, question for you. Why did you take my very best friends... Who was with me everytime to hear anything without boundaries. You were ask me to find. To where? 

And you keep saying, I am here for you

But I couldn't feel that you there. I am lying down on my bed, staring at the moon. The same moon, so beautiful, I would like to take a photograph and send it to you. But I dont have that right anymore. The thing is, to release energy same as to lift a mountain with your fingers. I couldn't control it anymore.

I know this feeling just for a few moments. This feeling is only passed by. But to take over my mind is getting harder again now. 

Or maybe, I need hypnotherapy session 2 as soon as possible, so I can breath normally like you guys:)

But dont worry, I'll try my best to be okay, to see my self on the top mountain and smile widely moreover, at that time, I will be able to take a look my past and will say that "You did it"

 Relax

Now I know the way to handle or to manipulate me to be ok. I take a deep breath, v

Struggling of the Day

Everything that i think for this time is not real. All is only happening inside my mind. Even, when the other people said A and I took as A without giving any addition on that, that will be ending by B. You know what I mean?

Oke let me clear, Lets say there is someone telling me about the skies colour which is red. I get the information as a fact that that person telling me the skies color is red. Wihout add any other information, I will say and believe that Red is a skies color. But the fact is, the skies color is blue. So during this period, I believe that, He loves me, still miss me, still want me instead think any other issue that really is happening. But the fact is, all is not true. I don't know what should I say, maybe I get the wrong clue, code, or any other sign from him. Because, I am not good at it. Or maybe because of I still love him, so I do believe everything that he said to me without thinking any other issue or any other fact that exist on his feeling or mind. 

So, now I know, and understand where is my story going to be. I would like to tell all become a story. Or maybe this story will be a proven of me that I am struggling with my life, with my thinking that reall wanna end this life at this moment. And I also want to tell all of people around the world that "Youre not alone".

If you feel the same as mine, no future, no hope, no life, I feel that too. I feel that pain too. And you are not alone, that is also happening in my life

Eventhough right now, at the moment I am still strugling with my life but I will keep trying to tell to all of you that you are not alone. 

Hey, I am still Strugling to keep breathing, living and becoming a real human. This pain sometimes makes me hard to breath like it is suffocating me so much. So back to the beggining, that I know where is my story going to be. But I stil dont how to start like my previous story about "SATU" that I tell all of situation that really happening in my life at that time. And maybe, I will start by telling how though I am, to live in the present or to go out from the prison that push me to think to die.

And, it can be a short story day by day as my record also or it can be 1 full story at the moment. But I think, it will be better that I make it day by day, it is also a suggestion that my Psychologist offer to me. Make a daily story. Try to write, try to express what are you feeling at that moment, all the memories that coming to your mind, just make it as a paragraph at that moment. So you can release the energy from you. 

If you notice that I mentioned about psychologist. Ya sure, I had some appointment before to psycholog. Because, all is hard for me to take it alone. So I need the other people to help me out. If this problem or issue only like a normal issue, maybe I would not make any appointment to the psycholog. I cant handle it by my self. And, it is also because of, all happened by 1 time only. There is no free time for my feeling to get recovery, everytime I am going to be better, there will be always a issue that make me and put me to the... ya Lets say "down" situation. 

What is changed in my life. Everything, I am a person that you can say, I am going to be easy to laugh for a small reason or for bulshit things. But now, I can count by my finger, how many times I real in laugh and feel happy inside me.

Have you ever been in the situation that, you dont know what to do, even for your salary every month, you didnt make any plan to use it. Ya thats true. For these few months, when I got my salary to my bank, I will let it be like that. In normal situation, everytime I get my salary, I will make a plan what should do with this money, but these few months, I didnt. I only take some money for my fuel, eat only. Not the other things.

Ah, my life is ruined. Maybe nobody help me out also, ya I understand. All peoples has their own problem, so they will not help me out or be there for me. Even, sometimes I just think that, if I die right now, is there any one who will say good bye to me?

I am tired to cry for these months. But honestly, I also dont know why I keep getting my tears on my cheeks. Where is the water coming from. I mean, I have used it for more than 1 month, but I stil can make the tears out.

Yeah, thats the bulshit story for today. That in the morning that feeling coming to me, and there is a voice screaming in my head to end these all this things. But luckily, I still can write this down. And maybe I gonna write more to express my feeling. Or it will be started by coffee again, some like last previous intro of my "SATU" storie. So, lets see.

Thanks for reading this, and if it is impossible to say the positive sentences for me, just please pray for me, for my life and my mind.