Another day has left

I thought it will be normal after 6 months, but the reality says the other things. The real life is against my life. One by one keep in dissapoint me and broke my life. My life is ruined. When I think it back the last time I cried, it was in the first week of May, and after that I have never smiled at all. Is that fair? Or maybe a path of my life designed to be ruined. I don't know exactly what to do and I don't have any plann at all. All is blur, gone, grey. Every time I tried to step forward it will keep on me to get a saddness. If I can choose, 

I would not want to be a girl, a daughter. It keeps ruined my life when I realized that I am a daughter. No privillage, different way to raise to be growth. I have tried to tell my problem to psycholog, and they suggest me to write all of my problem or all of my thought that disturb my mind. And you know, what is the most creepy to life in this situation? YA, sometimes your mind just ruined you and there is something that say in your mind to end this life. Am I crazy? No, of course not. But it has happened for several times. I touch my neck once when I had that thought on my mind. I cried hard till I could not even breath. I want to ask help, but nobody around me. Till I write this blog, I still can remember that feeling. When I really could not breath. Even only for normal breath, and it suffocates me a lot.